Out of the Looney Bin - Hooray

Sun, Jul 22, 2012 at 1:44 AM By: Tamar

Spent 11 days in the psych hospital. Not something a person my age is proud of. But my life just started crashing around me. Someone started messing with me through a survivors' forum and fucked everything upside. I started with the nonstop nightmares and flashbacks and just didn't want to be around anymore. The only reason I kept away from the freeways was to keep my kids from being scarred by a suicided mom. For their mental health, I kept all my crap so deep down. They are normal, happy, simple and innocent. When I realized that I couldn't push these new symptoms down, I checked into a hospital.

On my way, I put all my KoRn songs on shuffle and blasted the heck out of my ears and anyone driving nearby. They carried me to one of the more frightening places I've been. Then they took it all away and I wasn't allowed to listen! That ended up being the least of the restrictions in the lock down facility. They even cut the strings out of my hooded sweatshirts. Keeeeraayyzeee.

Anyhow, since my insurance is the omniscient Kaiser, I am left to my own devices to find a program specifically designed for trauma resolution. I spend my days using the beloved internet to do research and my other outlawed devices listening to the music that beats to the rhythms of me.

The one good thing that has come out of this crisis is the need to "come out" about being a survivor. No more secrets. It's out for the world to see. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Still feels so awkward to write and say. But there it is folks. Thanks to KoRn, I'm still alive to claim it.

  1. Wind Dancer avatar

    On Mon, Jul 23, 2012 at 4:44 PM, Wind Dancer said:

    Hope is really all you we got, and it does get easier. For me, like any painful thing in my life, I really try not to allow whom/whatever to live rent free in my mind; easier said and done, but once the thought/image enters, you battle it to go away, it leaves, and comes back to do it all over again, but each time gives you more strength to battle hard, and thought/image leaves quickly, no longer lingering to bring you down, down, to its level.

    I wish you the best, if you ever need to release, please do not hesitate to PM me.

    I appreciate your empathy towards me, but honestly I would not trade it for anything, I would not be the woman I am today. No I would be like others who judge me always; bitter, judgmental, church-goer that goes in for a band-aid forgetting the sermon when I walk out, liar, and non-accountable, just to name a few. No, I am thankful for the roads I have traveled or what I have been handed by others, even though the wounds will never heal completely. Road tested, but not really traumatized anymore. My life is good.

  2. Katie Levy avatar

    On Mon, Jul 23, 2012 at 12:45 PM, Katie Levy said:

    They are ridiculous to people at those places. My mom tried to commit me a few weeks ago. I'm a psychology major and I was NOT about to do that shit. At least you had Korn. I'm very sorry someone hurt you though. People are shit and there are such few good ones left it seems. Message me anytime if you ever need anything.

  3. Tamar avatar

    On Sun, Jul 22, 2012 at 11:49 PM, Tamar said:

    wow. Thanks Wind Dancer. Hope is all that keeps me going. That it must get better, someday. Sorry you had to go through all that.

  4. Wind Dancer avatar

    On Sun, Jul 22, 2012 at 4:55 AM, Wind Dancer said:

    If I were you, I would be proud to admit I spend some days in a psych hospital, especially, here-because we as Children of the koRn can peel back the layers. No one will judge us, and well....if some do I say a big FUCK YOU.

    Takes one whole of a person, in this case a woman to admit to themselves 'hey, I am out of control,' I need help, and then actually act upon it. My hat is off to you!

    I too am a victim/survivor of childhood sexual abuse. My whole life was centered around this injustice that happened to me way before I hit my teens. I played it out in my teens and all the way up to my 40's, (really do not have a desire to share it all, I will just call it really dysfunctional behavior).

    The reaper (Ovarian Cancer) at my door, changed me around, no longer allowing the crime of my innocence being stolen away from me at a young age. I began wanting change, searching, grasping for hope, and making it my own. I can honest say, I will never be healed, but at least I am a productive woman, and I love myself now, not allowing the face of the person who did this to me, to reenter in my mind 24/7, and the pain that I felt at his hands, the pleading for it all to go away.

    This was a gift to me, I would like to give you this gift also. It has helped me so much, and that is 'Hope.'

    I believe and will forever trust in "Hope" Hope is a bright shining light which keeps darkness at the bay. Hope is a gentle cold breeze on a hot summer day. Hope is to remain positive when going gets tough. Hope is seeking more when others think I have had enough. Hope is dreaming of tommorow. Hope is simmering under sorrow. Hope sparkles when tears are in my eyes. Hope is a beautiful thing.

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