Fri, May 10, 2013 at 4:36 PM By: Elf3

Just something so empty and lonely. I'm going back home tomorrow, and I don't know how to act, speak, think, or feel. I'm depressed about it, really. Seeing the places where there was so much pain and fear.
It's like I'm trapped in a world of my own creation. Grey everything, and there's an endless and treacherous road ahead of me. I see my mother. God I wish she could get better and be a real mother. I wish she hadn't left me and was with me right now. I miss her smell, her touch, and the way she breathes.
I feel as if I'm going to cry just thinking about seeing my brother and sister's beautiful faces again. They're so warm and perfect to one will ever know the depth of my love and adoration for them.
I think of a warm, modern, and sweet smelling house. It's so beautiful and peaceful at first sight. Then a woman in her late 40's comes stumbling down the stairs, apparently drunk. Her rust colored hair is all over the place, and she's angry about something. There's a young boy with big, blue, and water-filled eyes at the kitchen table. A young girl with short cropped hair is no where to be found in the house, she's probably at work. Then there's the Elf, sitting in her basement, on KoRn chat, and listening to music to block out the bullshit that surrounds her,
Everything was so sweet but so fucked up. I couldn't live there in that hell anymore, so I moved. Facing my past physically sucks so bad. And I thought the memories were painful...fuck this. I hate letting my past control me. It doesn't even own me anymore. It's just something that happened. Like the monkey from Lion King says, "IT'S IN DA PASSSST!" Such a smart monkey..

  1. SAFLove avatar

    On Sun, Aug 25, 2013 at 12:25 AM, SAFLove said:

    that is so sweet the sweetness of your love for siblings sounds so nice.. the emoitins in that just seem so good..and caring..

  2. Elf3 avatar

    On Sun, May 12, 2013 at 3:20 PM, Elf3 said:

    You guys kick total ass when it comes to giving feedback. <3 <3 <3 Thank you for spending your time on it. LOL, eva, I've always wanted to do that too. It looks so tangy and sweet and just awesome.
    In speaking of bud, some more Cyber should be on it's way;) GOOD SHIIIIITTTT NUKKKAAA!!! :D
    You guys make me feel stronger with this specific topic. Thank you so much <3

  3. Twisted Transistor avatar

    On Sat, May 11, 2013 at 11:14 AM, Twisted Transistor said:

    I feel your pain through your words and can relate to it.

    I recall the feeling I had when I returned to my homeland, where I was raised, after being away for many years, I was optimistic that things were going to be different with my family. My family is just about as dysfunctional as it was years ago. Nothing changed.

    It is a good thing I have learned that my family nor my shady past can define who I am. because I know I would be dead or in prison.

    I am avid in securing my happiness daily , choosing what I think & trying to teach myself how to react to my families issue's. It is hard , but I am seemingly to manage.

    You are in my thoughts.

  4. jayjay avatar

    On Sat, May 11, 2013 at 9:45 AM, jayjay said:

    My mother wasn't much of a mother to me when I was young and found it hard to cope. My dad was miles away trying to get work to put food on the table, Thank god I had some good neighbours to go to and try to explain to them, My mums temper was her down fall & even to day she has never said sorry. Fuckin bitch hate with every DNA cell in my body. But hey life is life and that's the way it was. I am ok with it now and again, Just put on a bit of KORN then I feel a bit better. Good luck any way dude, Keep Smiling.=)

  5. Faust avatar

    On Sat, May 11, 2013 at 12:32 AM, Faust said:

    First of all, sorry for the space that I am going to hog.
    You know that I am going to be yourself and yaddatee yadda, so let's just get that outta the way, huh?
    I would but I already did.
    I moved away from my little ass home town for years. Lived in Califonia, Austin, and San Marcos, so I was away from my sleepy littel TX town filled with bigots that arrest me for having bad words on my shirt (true Story. Tell yall later). I could not wait to get out of that place, but I missed it so much when I was gone. I missed my Family, I missed my Cat and Dog, I missed my Public Library. I made new Families on my Journey, but no one could even come close to even thinking about being as badass as the Real Thing. My Cat AND my Dog died when I was gone (Pluto, my doggie dearest lived and loved for 17 years, so don't feel bad. Got The Life), and no Library on the planet will ever be as comfy as the one back home.
    When I did finally get forced to move back home, it was like a new town all together. There were the same people though. The worst part for me was when someone who obviously knew me would chat me up, and I would have no idea who they were. It was like they got stuck in a super strong web or something even dumber. Like they stayed in the same place and the same time for all the time that I was gone. Then there were the people who were obvioulsy new to Town and did not understand the rules of the Town.
    I felt that I was stuck in between both types of these peoples. Like Jim Morrison said "like a stranger in a stragne place." Two pop culture references in a row. That cyber bud that you sent me a few days ago arrived today, as you can tell.
    Anyhooooo, the one thing that was a constant, was my family. They had changed as drastically as the surroundings, but they were still the same. Familiar. Good and Bad. Everything. Always. Count on it. I missed them so much, more than I ever realized when I saw them all again for the first time.
    And I do believe that the Monkey from Lion King was called Rafiki.
    Hakuna Matata!
    By the way, I am not sorry for hogging up so much space!!! Aaaahhah aaahhhahahhahaa!!!!

  6. eva avatar

    On Fri, May 10, 2013 at 6:53 PM, eva said:

    I love that monkey. I've always wanted to eat the juice out of that melon that he paints from. I know this isn't even the point of this blog but someone had to know.

  7. pandemonium23 avatar

    On Fri, May 10, 2013 at 5:41 PM, pandemonium23 said:

    Memories can be so beautiful, and also so painful. But you can't be afraid or the past will control you. Maybe you should cry, so you can really understand the feelings that are overwhelming you.

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