On Monday of this week was the last time I ever took any drugs. I had a nervous breakdown bawling to my mother as to how I'm about to die if I don't stop doing what I'm doing. Popping pills was the worst addiction besides monster energy drinks. Ever since I told my mom that all the things I have done have brought me down so deep that I realized that I want to live even though I'm close to my death now. Maybe I may have another chance at living now that I have released my demons. I've been hiding all these years. Today is also my 18th birthday. I want to stay clean like Jonathan. I hate the feeling of me nearly dying because of my mistakes. One friend I have left keeps crying to me everyday because he wants me to keep living. Every time I had pushed him away he always came back. He doesn't want to lose me to drugs and addictions. I don't want to either. It's sad to see myself this way. I'm not sure what gave me the strength to stop. Maybe it was him, screaming at me through text messages and in my dreams. Nights I have cried myself to sleep because I didn't know if I would wake up the next day. Maybe today is my last day. I'm currently attending college and living on my own now and have a job. It seems that all of my mistakes have caught up with me. I'll listen to Jon's words to give me the strength to get through this trial of pain. "Dying is a trial I've been to... This is the time for truth and pain" it was hard to tell my mom all the things I have done because I was expecting her to hate me and throw me in jail. Instead she took me in her arms and told me "I'll be damned if I ever leave you again" I'm beginning to feel better now that I don't have this dead weight on me from all the years of dirt I have done only just to make myself "happy". Sometimes I wind why am I still alive. Why was I given another chance. If i were someone else I wouldn't give me a second chance, but I'm a harsh bitch like that. I've come along this far, why should I stop now? Thank you mom and Justin for supporting me all this time.
Sometimes I wonder... Back in July I stopped talking to my best friend because I was so depressed about not having anybody respect me at all. But one day I was beginning to miss him and I looked down at my phone and saw that I had a new message. I thought it was from a friend from another state. Nope, it was him. He was asking me for advice about his ex girlfriend. I had a major panic attack because I was just getting used to the fact that we were never going to talk again. Thank you for coming back into my life yet again.