To Boddah (Imaginary Friend that Kurt was when he was little)
"Speaking the language of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be a eliminated, and infant crying. This note should be easy to understand.
All the warnings from the lessons of punk rock over the years since my first introduction to, say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community have proven to be true. For many years I have not felt the excitement of listening to or making music, as well as reading and writing. My fault for that is indescribable in words.
For example when I'm backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins, does not affect me the way it did for Freddy Merucury she used to love, relish in the adoration of the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is that I can not make a fool of you, none of you can deceive. It is simply not fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun.
Sometimes I think I should trigger an alarm before entering the stage. I tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do, God, believe me I like, but it was not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. Need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I had as a child.
Our last three tours, I had a recognition by everyone that knew him personally and as fans of our music, but I still can not get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in everyone and I think I simply love people too much that it makes me feel bad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man short. Why do not you just enjoy? I do not know!
I have a wife who is a goddess, who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who remind me much of what I was, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and not make any damage. And that terrifies me to the point where I can barely function. I can not stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become. I had really, really, and I'm grateful, but since the seven years I've become hateful towards all humans in general all. Just because I love and feel for all the other people I think.
Thank you from the bottom of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the year. Am I really an erratic, moody baby! I have the passion anymore, so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, Love, Empathy.
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your altar.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
By his life, it will be much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!