diablo 3: no excuse, don't believe the hype.

Wed, May 23, 2012 at 10:46 AM By: hylianux

Diablo 3 has finally been released, and the video games memebase and my friends are all talking about it and playing it. i played the beta, and i wasn't that impressed.

how could i not be impressed? well, if you blind trend-following morons could pull your head out of your asses for one non-gag-inducing nostalgic minute, you'd realize you're only reeling off of the nostalgia from diablo 2. when that wears off, you'll see the game for what it is: blizzard's marketing department giving you the same bullshit to play over and over again.

here, i'll break it down for you, since i seem to be the only enlightened person able to see this game for what it is.

first and foremost, diablo 3 is NOT A BAD GAME. it definitely does not deserve any title of crap. it works, it's playable, there are some really good features to it, and the design for the playable classes are nice.

this however does not make the game GREAT. it makes it: good. it's "not bad". it's "ok".

Blizzard has been stockpiling people's money (including mine) for years. "not bad" and "ok" are unacceptable.

but, before i get into how sub-par this game is, let me state all the things i DO like about it, as it does have a few good things going for it.

I like the ability tree. You're not forced into any kind of spec for a character... no talent tree or a chance of fucking up and putting the wrong point somewhere and having to live with your mistake through most of the game as you get your ass kicked the whole time. You can switch abilities at will, with absolutely no penalty.

I also like how town portal is no longer something i have to keep carrying a spellbook for. this frees up space in my inventory, even if it's only 2 spaces. when it's crunch time, 2 spaces is awesome.

I love the design of the character classes. the abilities look really creative, and the designs of the armor you put on are really cool-looking.

i like how your "stash" is shared among all characters, as well as your "crafting skill".

I like how the added quest of "kill 5 wild boars" is more of an optional extra as you're completing whatever storyline you're doing in that area anyway. a nod to star wars: the old republic.

now, having stated all of this, here are my complaints.

for one: the design of all the levels and monsters look like a copy and paste from WoW's marketing design department. it looks lazy, and ignorant. like the marketing department sat down and said to the developers "fuck your free thinking, or creative ideas. warcraft was more successful than any other game, and we don't know why, but if that was successful, then we're going to piss warcraft all over every fucking game we make. we do this because whatever made it sell once will make it sell again! we want you to put the all-too-fucking-familiar exclamation point over "quest givers'" heads, so that every non-gamer moron who played WoW will be able to see the familiarity to play the game rather than actually having to use their damn brain. we want you to ejaculate "helpful hints" all over the screen, and turn them on by default rather than asking the user whether they live under a fucking rock from the beginning. we're going to patronize them by assuming they're all middle-aged housewives going through a mid-life crisis and trying to be "hip" with the younger audience. none of these tips showed up in any past diablo game, and gamers found them amazing... but we need to expand our user base to derpenstein the fuckheaded, so do it!"

i don't want patronizing helpful hints popping up, requiring me to break the already broken immersion by going into the options menu to turn them off. i don't want to play WoW, a watered-down cloned-to-hell MMORPG. seriously, every damn level looks like it's being rendered in the warcraft engine. this is diablo. blood, gore, living dead, black magic, death, hell, insanity. make your environment reflect that about the game. the community complained about this already, and you did nothing to change it.

i also found the story incredibly mundane. i found myself skipping the dialogue because it's always the same: some cave houses some monster that holds some item you need. oh, and kill 3-5 of a certain type of special common monster on the way, will you? the characters are boring. every person i say this to, they say "what? the characters are amazing! i mean deckard cain is there, and tyrael, and they even make reference to the witch in the hut from the first game!" yeah, that's not character development. it's recycling of old characters so you sheep of nostalgia jizz your pants while you think you're getting a good gaming experience. what new characters do we explore? describe these new characters without telling me: their gender, their job, who they're related to, or what they wear. just their personality alone. good luck with that.

to further prove it, i'll be pirating the game when it comes out (i'll get to that in a second) to find out if any of these characters introduced in this game are explored further, with a backstory and situations that help them grow as people. i'm not holding my breath though.

as for piracy, this will sound stupid for me to say. i hate the digital rights management system they have. "but that's in place to stop pirates like you!" no, it's in place to piss off those who want to play the game. your game's not worth buying, so you want to stop the copies that are made from being "stolen". "but pirates like you are the reason it's there! if you didn't pirate games, they wouldn't bother putting that there!" wrong. they put that there because corrupt marketing bean-counting assholes who could care less what you think about the game or their company in general want to squeeze every penny out of the game that they can. take a look at a good successful indie game, like minecraft. many, including myself, pirated the game, and wound up buying it later. why? i pirated it to see what it was about. after finding it was good, and knowing that by buying it i'd get additional features, as well as support the guy who made it so he'd put more cool things into it, i bought it. notch doesn't lose a sale by me pirating it... he gains my sale by PROPERLY approaching pirates.

diablo 3 lost my sale because i don't want to play single player, and be unable to because of "error: 37". what kind of bullshit is that? bang-up job, morons. the real gift to playing it should be the ability to play with other people and keep your stats and information saved on the server forever and ever... keeping servers up and running. those are reasons to buy the game.

the regurgitated style of WoW, patronizing gameplay, boring characters, impatiently-written mundane story, and the forgettable music make this game a disappointment. when an indie game doesn't have everything, it's because they don't have money. you, blizzard, have mattresses stuffed with $100 dollar bills. there's no excuse for this. you're not getting my dollar. this is a piss-poor attempt at a game.

i'm gonna go buy torchlight 2 when it comes out, completely out of spite, even if it sucks.

  1. ZackaryVS avatar

    On Fri, May 25, 2012 at 8:34 AM, ZackaryVS said:

    So pretty much what you were saying when you were bashing other people that didn't play Diablo I and II is that you are better than them because you played it before it was cool? Quit your whining. If you don't like it, don't play it and play another game.

  2. hylianux avatar

    On Fri, May 25, 2012 at 7:14 AM, hylianux said:

    trollface.jpg

  3. PalmOfKorn avatar

    On Thu, May 24, 2012 at 4:46 PM, PalmOfKorn said:

    Nice review. Best review EVER!! Very good! Now to buy the game.......

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