Your feelings I can't help but rape them. I'm sorry, I don't feel the same...

Sun, Jun 10, 2012 at 3:20 PM By: LiFeiSpEaChY123

Have you ever loved somebody so much? You may not even know them, but you feel like you do. Do I sound like a physcho killer? I'm sure I do! I feel such a strong connection when I listen to him, and watch some of his interviews. This may be a long boring story to some, but to me it's an adventure to the deep,dark world of myself. Oh, and the wonders of teenage hood.

It all started when I was very young. In my house, I grew up listening to everything! I was very young, and I still remember listening to Paul McCartney's "Off the Ground", and the Beatles. I pretty much woke up and slept them. My father was very much into everything, and my mother was into only certain types of music. I remember her listening to TLC, R.Kelly, anything that was soul-full and R&B ish. I think that's where I get my music diversity from. I followed more of my father's music than I did my mother's when I was younger. When I hit the tender age of 8 years old I remember my father listening to this CD that was entitled "Family Values Tour 1998". There was a certain band on there that I just could not get enough of. When I heard his voice for the first time it was almost like a spell fell over me and I was hooked ever since. After my father realized how much I was into this "band", he then handed me another one of their CDs entitled "Life is Peachy". That was it! My father morphed me into a little gothic girl. I was so young, but so in love. So in love with this band that I just could not get enough of. I remember not listening to The Spice Girls anymore, not even listening to The Beatles. It was only mainly "THEM". I started buying all of their CDS, buying their shirts, and pretty much changing my entire appearance. I did NOT care what people thought at that time. I would do anything to get the word across that I was in love with this band. I remember being so sensitive during this time. Whenever there was a fight that happened, or someone made fun of me, I popped in one of their CD's and everything was okay. Nothing mattered anymore to me, because "he" was singing me to sleep. I bought magazines, posters, shirts, hoodies, anything that I could get my hands on. I decorated my shared room with pictures of "him" and "them". I was complete fucking hooked, and I was okay with that.I sat on the computer (when AOL was the cool thing to do) and looked up videos and pictures of them. One time I had heard that "he" was going to be in a chat room and would talk to all of his fans. I sat and stared at the computer til the time came, but something came up and I missed it. I actually think that I cried. My brother was very young at the time, as I was, and he hated every second of listening to this band. He would make fun of me when I sat in the living room, munching on cookies, and singing loudly. I had this blue CD player, and these cheap headphones. I still remember being so excited to wake up and put "them" on. When I say this, I absolutely mean it. I woke up, ate, slept "them". Nothing else mattered in the world to me. I remember being fun of all the time at school for the way that I dressed. Teachers looked down on me, and my principal in middle school used to say remarks like, "I was going to wear that today." I actually still remember him saying it, and being so mad. I didn't hurt anybody I barely even talked to people. I had very few friends that I would talk to, and hated the "PREPPIES". If you didn't listen to this "band" or you hated them than you were considered my nemesis. I think during this time period I really did not have any confidence in my self. I didn't care what I looked like, and people took notice. They would call me fat, you GOTH, and horse mouth. They said such words that I had no feelings at all. No body realizes that you grow up with that hurt, and it's something that is hard to get over. Unfortunately, this had tortured me through out the years and I actually have a strong fear of people. It's something I know I have to get over, but it's very difficult. The only person/people that seemed to care was "him" and "them". They knew how I felt, and they always made me feel better at the end. I think that is why I grew such an attachment that people don't quiet understands. I used to rush home from school, and turn on TRL to see where "they" were on the list. If they ever got close to #1 I would almost cry. It used to piss me off when they would show only 2 minutes of the video, and then cut it off when the good part comes. No body understood how this band made it to such a corrupted show for little girls and boys who loved Britney Spears & Backstreet Boys. I was never that type of girl, and still do this day I am not. One time, I told my mother that I didn't feel good so I missed school to watch "Make Me Bad" on repeat while drawing up signs stating "I love you" to "him". It was one of the best days of my life, and I still remember it to this day. My mother never understood how I could get into such a band, and actually said to my father, "YOU LET HER LISTEN TO THIS?". I didn't understand how anyone could hate "them". Hey, it was either listen to "them" or go out and drink. I used to print out pictures at school of "him" and tape it to my shirt (I swear I am not making this up). I even used to my hair like "them" which consisted of dread-locks and braids. I copied their shoes, and copied the way they dressed. I wrote e-mails and e-mails to who I thought was the drummers e-mail address; every single one of my screen names consisted of something to do with them. I changed it on a daily basis to compete with my fellow computer friends to see who could come up with the best screen name. I regularly visited a chat room named "Mental Hospital" to talk to people who loved "them" ALMOST as much as me (no body could love them more than me). Ah, then the tender age of 14 comes along and I beg my mother for my eyebrow to be pierced just like "him". I walked around with pride thinking I did this all for one person, a person who doesn't even know I exist. I looked up things on the internet to get to know my so-called imaginary boyfriend better. I found out what type of music he liked, and the cereal that he fucking ate in the morning. If he cried on stage to a song that he couldn't bare to relive, I cried along with him. His pain was my pain, and my pain was his pain. I loved "him", and well, at the time I truly believed he loved me.

During the past years, I almost forgot about "him" and "them" and barely listened to any of their music. Until one day, I felt the pain I did many years ago and "he" was still there singing to me. Am I obsessed? Maybe. Or just a lonely girl looking for a way to break through? Maybe. Either way, the he's and them's consist of Jonathan Davis and KoRn. The band that I will stand by for possibly the rest of my life. All though, not all of them are still in the band I still think of the fond memories of Jonathan,Munky,Head,David & Fieldy. Ah, the fucking memories....

  1. LiFeiSpEaChY123 avatar

    On Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 4:15 AM, LiFeiSpEaChY123 said:

    Thats awesome man! Listen up because KoRn's cds got better and better as the years went on. It's a tie between Life is Peachy & Issues..but of course I love self entitled and Follow the Leader... Trust me kiddo I wish I could meet Jonathan Davis too ...and the whole band to be honest. To thank them for saving me and making me a strong person. Keep rocking out hun! xo

  2. Figure09 avatar

    On Mon, Jun 11, 2012 at 6:05 PM, Figure09 said:

    i started listnin to korn this year, tho i heard make me bad and freak on a leash at either age 7 or 8. i think im obsessed, but this is only cuz i truly care about korn and jonathan davis personally. ^^) i jus wish i could meet him, thatd b the best ever

  3. LiFeiSpEaChY123 avatar

    On Mon, Jun 11, 2012 at 4:52 PM, LiFeiSpEaChY123 said:

    Thanks sistah glad to know someone feels the way I do

  4. faceless2nameless avatar

    On Mon, Jun 11, 2012 at 4:36 PM, faceless2nameless said:

    thats the one thing i loved most about "him".. he actually understands your pain and somehow you dont feel so alone, like you and his voice can conquer it all no matter how tough life gets.. sadly enough i still have one more year of school left but i swear he's been there since i can remember.. 5 i think i was- my sister was a fan of theirs by this time- and yes at the moment i didnt really understand what he meant but the beat and his voice were so addicting and to this day i still love them and thank them tht i still have strength to gt thru another day

Post a comment

LiFeiSpEaChY123’s Blogs


    Fri, Jun 15, 2012 at 5:16 AM 5 comments
  2. update on 2nd KoRn tattoo

    Thu, Jun 14, 2012 at 11:59 AM 2 comments
  3. 1..2...3 AND I COME...

    Thu, Jun 14, 2012 at 4:22 AM 2 comments
  4. My new tat!

    Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 11:18 AM 3 comments
  5. This shit right here...

    Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 4:27 AM 4 comments
  6. Your feelings I can't...

    Sun, Jun 10, 2012 at 3:20 PM 4 comments