for all my plus size grrrls and the people who put them down
When i was 15 years old, i remember spending most of my free time with Tom at Rev Rock in Tri County. He taught me alot that still sticks with me til this day. He would break out his acoustic guitar and sing Rolling Stones Angie (of course changing it to sindee) all the time. He also would always remind me about my weight, but not in a negative way. When i was younger i put on alot of weight as a sheild. (and my mother will hate me for writing this). I needed walls around me. I thought that by gaining weight certain things in my life would stop. But i was wrong. My parents NEVER did anything wrong that made me gain weight. My parents actually did everything they could to try and make me take it off. But my weight was MY WALLS. I wasnt letting them down.
Back to tom at rev rock. He would tell me stories how back in the day men preferred plus size women. Because plus size women made THEM look good. It was a sign of wealth and that they were taking care of their women. This ALWAYS stuck inside my head. Isnt it funny how times have changed?
A few years ago I had a lapband put in. my weight was outta control. And i was good with it for sometime. Then things changed. I was with a singer in a band (and i in NO WAY BLAME HIM FOR THIS) but dealing with girls at the shows became a burden for me. Did i ever show it? No. Because that was apart of HIS job. They pay to see him play so i didnt complain. If they bought him a drink? Perfect! that was one less drink i had to buy for him. But on the inside i was dying. My weight wasnt coming off quick enough no matter what i did. And i started to compare myself to these girls and other bandmates girlfriends and ripping myself to shreds. This is when the bulemia began. Would you think it? Your precious Sindee a recovering bulemic? nah you couldnt tell now, would you? but anyway that is what i was.
I hid it well. No one knew what was going on. I could hide the sickness and say "oh i ate to much and got sick from the band". this worked for a little while. then coworkers started picking up on it. My friend Lisa would follow me after i ate. She would even demand me to go smoke a ciggie with her right after we ate so i wouldnt run to the bathroom. Still it wouldnt stop me.
Then it happened. i destroyed myself so much with it that i layed on my ex boyfriends floor calling my friend Jessica who was a nurse saying something was wrong. I couldnt even keep water down-NOTHING. Paul was worried and tried to make me go to dr but i wouldnt. He always said how thick headed i was. this began on a friday night. It was until the middle of Sunday into monday that i decided i should maybe go to hospital. For 3 days i didnt even drink water. I waited for my dad to wake up, kissed him on the cheek and said "daddy, dont worry ill be fine just gotta go to hospital" What father wants to hear that at 5 in the morning?
So i drive down the 135. Windows rolled down, chainsmoking and blasting TOOL. When i got to the hospital they couldnt believe i even drove there. when the did my blood and levels, i had NO POTASSIUM in my system and my blood pressure was extremly low. they asked me how i wasnt hallucinating. And said if i got there 15 minutes later i would have been in cardiac arrest. so they put me on the IV drip of potassium and that shit burns! Sent me for xrays and there it was, i slipped the band and messed up my stomach pretty bad. They wanted to do emergency surgery and remove the band but my levels were too low. It wasnt until that following Wednesday i actually had it removed. i went from friday until wed without a drop of water. Thank god for IV bags!
So point of me writing this, you never know what someone is going through. You never know WHY someone might be overweight. Maybe they have thyroid issues, medication issues, inner demon issues. Do not judge those who are overweight. I myself can say as a plus size girl im not like this cuz i eat fast food all the time. I ate half a mcdonalds cheesburger the other day. Didnt even eat the fries. Yes i went to dennys with suzie for breakfast the other day, but i had a turkey meatball for dinner that night. And that was it. Went to the city with my friend shannon a few weeks ago, i chose alcohol instead of food. I watch what i put in my body and if its bad i make up for it the rest of the week.
What i ask of men out there? Think before you speak. A woman may not be your perfect woman cuz she isnt skinny but guess what NO ONE IS FN PERFECT! This started when i heard someone said something not so nice about one of my dear friends. (Im doing my best, to let go of the nastiness ive heard thats been said about ME when it comes to MY weight) but saying anything bad about someone just because of the way they look is not fair and not nice and quite arrogant. This goes the same for anyone that bitches if a woman is too SKINNY. One size does not fit all! So i ask all of you look in the mirror. Are you perfect? Than think twice before you put someone down.
Ok sindee rant is over. Have a nice day :)