Jokes

Wed, Jul 20, 2011 at 8:11 AM

I know it's not really an all-time favourite forum topic but maybe you got some funny jokes to share. I got this one today:

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."



~nothing is beyond you~

Replies to This Posting

  1. Re: Jokes

    Thu, Jul 21, 2011 at 12:18 AM

    I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me, and at this time of year we all could use a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

    The article said: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

    So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how fxxxing good I feel...

    ~nothing is beyond you~

  2. Re: Jokes

    Thu, Jul 21, 2011 at 9:42 AM

    Why couldn't the skeleton go to the party?

    Because he had no body to go with. BOOYA LOL!!
    "DEAL WITH IT"

  3. Re: Jokes

    Mon, Jul 25, 2011 at 6:22 AM

    lmfao these are great!
    "Death is but a door. Time is but a window. I'll be back"

  4. Re: Jokes

    Mon, Jul 25, 2011 at 8:20 AM

    EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

    Day number 180
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

    Day number 181
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!


    EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY


    DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

    DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

    DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

    DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

    DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

  5. Re: Jokes

    Tue, Jul 26, 2011 at 8:22 PM

    Feronea wrote:
    EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

    Day number 180
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

    Day number 181
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!


    EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY


    DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

    DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

    DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

    DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

    DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...


    LOLOLOL
    "Death is but a door. Time is but a window. I'll be back"

  6. Re: Jokes

    Sat, Jul 30, 2011 at 5:04 AM

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Dust." That's how the fight started...


  7. Re: Jokes

    Tue, Aug 2, 2011 at 1:07 PM

    if love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

  8. Re: Jokes

    Thu, Aug 4, 2011 at 12:30 AM

    The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when Custard Cream supplies all but ran out.

    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing"
    Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgium does not have a government, so is incapable of having any warning level. All on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the modern Spanish fleet can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

    Meanwhile in the southern hemisphere...

    New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position, called Bondi.

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." It should be noted that there has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

  9. Re: Jokes

    Thu, Aug 4, 2011 at 4:54 AM

    Feronea wrote:
    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." It should be noted that there has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.



    This is too funny!!!
    If you don't listen to the words you're only hearing half the music!

  10. Re: Jokes

    Mon, Aug 22, 2011 at 8:13 AM

    oh no there's a monster under my bed oh shit it's you

  11. RE: Jokes

    Mon, Aug 22, 2011 at 8:15 AM

    close your legs hoe your causing global warming

  12. Re: Jokes

    Mon, Aug 22, 2011 at 8:23 AM

    im rick james bitch

  13. Re: Jokes

    Thu, Aug 25, 2011 at 4:23 PM

    Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

    If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

    If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.

    If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

    If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

    If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

    If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

    If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

    If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

  14. Re: Jokes

    Mon, Sep 5, 2011 at 2:16 PM

    Two parents take their son, Little Johnny, to the doctor. They tell the doctor that their son is a wonderful child. He does well in school, he almost always obeys when they ask him to do something, and he almost never gets sick.

    The doctor say's, "well, what's the problem?"

    "Well, it's not much doctor, but he has a small penis," the mom replies.

    "Small Penis? Oh that's no big deal. Just feed him lots of pancakes and the problem will take care of itself," the doctor instructs.

    The next morning, Little Johnny comes bounding down the stairs and he sees a big stack of pancakes sitting on the dining room table. He say's, "yummy, Mommy we're having pancakes!"

    The mom say's, "you take two, Johnny. The rest are for your father."
    mlukec

  15. Re: Jokes

    Mon, Sep 5, 2011 at 11:39 PM

    I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    I took out my wallet, got out $20 and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
    'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

    'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
    'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive..'

    'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
    'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

    'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to g ive you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
    The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

    I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

  16. Re: Jokes

    Mon, Sep 12, 2011 at 10:58 AM

    I thnik a lot a people knows that :

    google "find chuck norris"

    that's so funny, muhahaha!!
    _______________________________________________
    "Living a life that seems to be... A lost reality..."
    "...I'm tired to be what you want me to be..."
    "...Kentucky fried kung-pao clits..."

  17. Re: Jokes

    Tue, Sep 13, 2011 at 5:09 AM

    Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe reminiscing about their husbands who have passed on. The y inevitably get on to the subject of sex.

    Mary says "I really miss my Frank but you know the one thing that annoyed me was that because he was a gynaecologist all he ever wanted to do down there was look at it"

    Moira says "I know what you mean Mary, I really miss my Tony but because he was a psychologist all he wanted to do walk talk about 'down there'"

    Agnes sits back with a big grins and says " I really miss my Andy, he was a stamp collector."
    Fairynuff's favourite saying is "She's Bang Tidy. I'm gonna smash her back doors in!!!!"

  18. Re: Jokes

    Tue, Sep 13, 2011 at 11:58 AM

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUm8wtDQgTU
    _______________________________________________
    "Living a life that seems to be... A lost reality..."
    "...I'm tired to be what you want me to be..."
    "...Kentucky fried kung-pao clits..."

  19. Re: Jokes

    Wed, Nov 16, 2011 at 10:45 AM

    Livvy wrote:
    if love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?



    your voice is truly creepy but i like it

  20. Re: Jokes

    Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 4:42 AM

    Always start your day with a lot of S E X …

    Always start your day with a lot of… S E X
    S – SMILE
    E – ENERGY
    X – XCITEMENT
    so make S E X a daily habit, and youll always B SUCC SEX FUL! in LIFE.

    We need Martial Arts Gear or Boxing Shorts for practices.

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