I know it's not really an all-time favourite forum topic but maybe you got some funny jokes to share. I got this one today:
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
~nothing is beyond you~
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Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
Two parents take their son, Little Johnny, to the doctor. They tell the doctor that their son is a wonderful child. He does well in school, he almost always obeys when they ask him to do something, and he almost never gets sick.
The doctor say's, "well, what's the problem?"
"Well, it's not much doctor, but he has a small penis," the mom replies.
"Small Penis? Oh that's no big deal. Just feed him lots of pancakes and the problem will take care of itself," the doctor instructs.
The next morning, Little Johnny comes bounding down the stairs and he sees a big stack of pancakes sitting on the dining room table. He say's, "yummy, Mommy we're having pancakes!"
The mom say's, "you take two, Johnny. The rest are for your father."
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out $20 and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive..'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to g ive you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe reminiscing about their husbands who have passed on. The y inevitably get on to the subject of sex.
Mary says "I really miss my Frank but you know the one thing that annoyed me was that because he was a gynaecologist all he ever wanted to do down there was look at it"
Moira says "I know what you mean Mary, I really miss my Tony but because he was a psychologist all he wanted to do walk talk about 'down there'"
Agnes sits back with a big grins and says " I really miss my Andy, he was a stamp collector."
Fairynuff's favourite saying is "She's Bang Tidy. I'm gonna smash her back doors in!!!!"
if love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
your voice is truly creepy but i like it