MURDER! BY SUICIDE!
under the influence of 27 peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches i left my apartment. the jelly levels in my blood were way above that of any normal man and as i left i thought 'why does the sky bleed like that ive never seen it do that before', but i shrugged it off and continued my walk to the store. when i got there the man behind the counter offered me a wide selection of frozen popsicles. however i wasnt in the mood for popsicles instead i grabbed a can of royal crown cola, i had never had royal crown cola before and i thought to my self 'well why not?' i left the store after paying for the soft drink and made my way to the park, where i opened and then drank my royal crown cola under the peach tree. a squirrel hopped up next to me on the bench i was sitting on and the squirrel said "boy isnt it a nice day?" i gasped in shock and awe at the severed head it was holding in its hands and as i gazed into the bottomless pit that appeared before me. i thought 'why dont they make bacon flavoured sour keys?' but i shrugged it off as the abyss engulfed me after several hours of falling through the abyss i found my self in branson missouri the dinner theater capital of the world and promptly made my way to nebraska to sit on the worlds largest porch swing after sitting for about 3 days i promptly died of exposure
or so i thought i awoke several hours later and began vomiting cherry koolaid which perplexed me as i didnt remember drinking cherry koolaid and i also wondered why it tasted like blood after a few minutes of vomiting i felt a bit light headed and decided to go to the beach when i got there a hermit crab ate my shoe but it was just my luck as the beach front shoe store had just opened for buisness i went inside to ask about a new pair of shoes the shoe sales man challeneged me to a dual pistols at dawn sadly i had a previous engagement i paid for my new pair of berkenstocks and made my way back to my car on the way to my car i found a chicken it was playing the banjo and singing and i thought to my self i wonder if he knows how to play rocket man just then a giant squid attacked me i fought for my life but sadly the squid was too powerful and it dragged me down to my watery grave after waiting about 6 hours to drown my legs started cramping so i decided to go for a walk i walked in a south east direction until i came to a sunken pirate ship and as i approached it i couldnt help but feel like i was being watched i turned around to find chuck norris masturbating i said hi chuck and he waved and thats how we met me and chuck norris we have been living happily for these last 15 years in Utah chuck runs his own dojo these days oh he still does movies and for a elderly man he is quite the lover we've raised 6 kids and eaten 37 yes life is pretty sweet these days i dont think there was a better time in my life
except that one time when i was in alaska oh i should start at the beginning shouldnt i the year was 1841 and i was a wealthy irish man at the time living in Glascow one day i decided to go for a walk when all of the sudden the english invaded i was taken prisoner and shipped off to australia when i arrived i was greeted by a koala which ate my entire face i cryed in agony as it tore the flesh from my skull eventually i managed to set it on fire using 2 sticks and a can of gasoline and escaped into the wilderness i spent the next 89 years wandering amilessly until i came upon a lemonade stand i approached the stand to find the very same koala that ate my face off it and i asked how much a glass of lemonade was the koala replyed by clawing at my skull eventually i was decapitated but i never let little things like that get me down and after i drank my lemonade i continued walking north until i came to the ocean crafting a canoe from dried kangaroo carcas and my left leg which i sawed off with a butter knife i set out to sea and after dieing of scurvy 3 times i finally made it to alaska once there i met a young mexican man whos only goal in life was to be a french stripper he was immediately eaten by a polar bear and i made my way into town only to find that the princess was kidnapped by a dragon and as i set out on my greatest journey ever i couldnt help but think about how much i loved waffles and as i made my way to the dragons lair i could smell the rotting flesh of the bodys of 10,000 celine dion fans and without hesitation i entered the cave only to find the dragon dead i immediately called the police who determined it was a drug overdose with the case wrapped up i hung up my gun and badge and made my way home when all of a sudden the loc ness monster ate me i spent the next 3 years in the confines of its stomach slowly digesting and thats when it hit me like a brick to the face it was a 2X4 and as i stumbled to regain my composure i saw that i was no longer alone in the confines of the loc ness monsters stomach i saw what looked like a rodeo clown doing a handstand but i realized that was silly as the rodeo wasnt until next week my vision was still a bit blurry after that 2X4 but after several moments it cleared up and i realized it was just a regular clown doing a handstand i approached him and asked him to make me a baloon animal he said ok and proceeded to craft me a giraffe i gazed at the baloon giraffe in disappointment i really wanted a baloon dog but when life gives you lemons you make lemonade or atleast some sort of lemon related food/drink so I set up a lemon pie stand meanwhile in tampa bay florida a masked man known only as the masked man was masking it up around town putting masking tape on everything he could get his masked man hands on It was too bad for him that the police had been tipped off to his masked masking tape misadventures and were informed to shoot on sight just as he was finishing taping a park bench a ufo abducted him the aliens removed his mask only to find it was bob sagat and they promptly ejected him into space knowing that they could learn nothing from him eventually his body burnt up in the earths atmosphere the radioactive fall out from his body killed over half of earths population I however was one of the lucky few people that was sheltered from the radiation due to the loc ness monsters stomach lining however nessy was not so lucky the radiation had turned loc ness into a giant boiling pot and nessy was cooked alive after a few hours we heard the sounds of hungry Scottish people and knew our escape was near they had come for the delicious haggis we could hear them eating the flesh off of nessy eventually a small hole appeared and I reached my hand through and clawed my way out the first thing I did when i got out was enter a hot dog eating contest I won the contest eating a grand total of 305 hotdogs however I was still hungry and made my way to Canada to eat poutine when I arrived in Canada I was supprised to find they were fresh out of poutine and I become very depressed and killed my self with a spoon and several chainsaws
however death was the least of my worries as i remembered i left the stove on back at my apartment i picked up the pieces of my slaughtered body and reassembeled my self using a piece of tape i had in my pocket from earlier and made my way back when i got to my apartment or what was left of it as it was on fire i realized my shoe was untied i bent over to tie it when all of a sudden i was run over by a city bus as i was dragged for the next 27 miles i had plenty of time to think under that bus at first i thought about the negative effects of being run over by a bus such as bloodloss and the cost of reconstructive surgery but those thoughts passed into darkness as my consciousness faded due to the blood loss caused by the bus running over me and i soon found my self sleepy luckily for me i was dislodged from under the bus infront of a howard johnson hotel and made my way inside to check in when i opened the door the bellhop greeted me with a smile i made my way to the front desk and asked to book a room for the night the manager said there was only 1 room left room number 45 i said that would be fine and made my way up to rest for the night i slid the key in the lock to room number 45 and opened the door but there was no room inside all there was was some sort of portal a vortex in space and time if i had known what would happen next i would have just found a nice park bench to sleep on but i was already tired from the massive loss of blood and decided to try and find the bed inside the vortex so i stepped inside im not exactly sure what happened next but i woke up on top of what seemed to be a plate of spagetti upon closer examination it was actually angel hair pasta i stood up and looked around at the faces of the people whos dinner i had landed on and began to introduce my self as it turned out they were having a dinner party and i had just landed on the guest of honors meal the guest of honor being a man by the name of Pete O'Hoolihan today was his 57th birthday i appologized for causing such a inconvenience to pete and the rest of the dinner party guests and showed my self out embarassed and not knowing exactly where i was i wandered in confusion down the street until i came to a street sign it read 33rd and wimbelton however i still had no idea where i was and decided to walk up wimbelton until i found a payphone after walking for some time i heard a strange noise it sounded like zombies but i wasnt quite sure it was zombies and i still had no idea of where i was so i continued up the street until i saw what looked like zombies eating the flesh off a dead walrus carcass how that walrus got there i will never know but thats not important right now what is important right now is the possible zombies that were eating the unimportant walrus carcass i still wasnt sure if they were zombies so i decided to ask them if they were as i approached the putrid smell of the walrus carcas was too much to bare and i began coughing which made the possible zombies turn to look at me their faces were rotting and walrus blood was dripping down their mouths and i saw a hunger in their eyes and they began to walk towards me i tried introducing my self to them but they didnt respond one of them lunged at me and i decided it was a good time to leave and i ran back down the street i could hear their footsteps behind me at this point i was fairly sure they were zombies off in the distance i could see a grocery store and i thought that would be a good place to go as i really wanted a candy bar i ran and ran and then i ran some more and then i was a bit tired so i took a little break and then i started running again finally i made it to the grocery store but to my disappointment they closed at 9:00pm and it was well past 10:00 atleast thats what my watch said anyways as i tried to catch my breath i saw the possible zombies down the street still following me and i decided it would probably be best if i found some place to hide i looked around the only thing i could see was a bush and i hopped into it after waiting for a few minutes i peeked out my head to see if they were gone i couldnt see them anywhere and began to slowly emerge from the bush when i was attacked by a leprechaun who claimed it was his bush after appologizing profusely for the misuse of his bush he introduced himself he said his name was blimey i asked him about the possible zombies and he explained that they were just britney spears fans and with a sigh of releif i said good bye to blimey and walked out into the open i was immediately eaten by what turned out to be actual zombies and not britney spears fans and as i was being eaten i shouted damn you blimey you little limey bastard apparantly blimey was more upset about the bush than he let on i spent the next few years wandering the earth looking for people to eat eventually i landed a record deal and moved out to los anglese
and thats when i woke up apparantly it was all a dream i was back in my apartment i got up and made coffee after drinking my coffee i went outside it was a beautiful sunny day out the kind of day that you just know nothing bad is gonna happen and i walked to the store i decided to buy a pack of planters peanuts im not one for peanuts but with the strange dreams i was having i found them comforting i then made my way to the park i felt a strange sense of happiness and continued my walk after a few minutes i heard a strange chattering sound behind me i turned around to find squirrels lots of squirrels and i thought they must be hungry so i gave them the rest of my peanuts and began to walk away when suddenly one of the squirrels hopped up onto my shoulder and proceeded to bite my ear i cryed in agony as its razor sharp teeth gnawed my ear off i immediately fell to the floor thats when the rest of them attacked the squirrels tore me limb from limb and i thought is this really it is this how it ends and i gazed down at my limbless body i saw one last squirrel it hopped up onto my shoulder and began eating the flesh off my neck and there i was conscious the entire time screaming until my vocal cords were gone eventually it gnawed off my head and with my head in its mouth the squirrel hopped over to the park bench by the peach tree off in the distance
however i still wasnt dead and as the squirrel hopped up onto the bench i saw myself sitting there looking at my own severed head in shock and awe what little blood i had left in my skull slowly dripped out and things became blurry beneath me the ground cracked open engulfing me i once again fell through the abyss this time i found my self in idaho the potato capital of the world i spent the next year as a disembodyed head on the lawn of a mister philmore humpeldink until a kindly old lady picked me up apparantly confusing me with the mellon she dropped while on her way home from the store sadly the mellon was never seen again she brought me back to her place and was about to carve me up into a delicious healthy snack when all of a sudden ninjas attacked the ensuing battle left me quite parched and i made my way to the fridge to get a glass or orange juice when i opened the fridge a wormhole appeared and i was sucked into a parallel universe not knowing what to do or how to get back i made the best of things and started a small greeting card company and it was around this time that i met a man by the name of pedro montelbom i was at home when i heard a knock on my door as it turned out he was a door to door salesman selling a wide variety of novelty items one that caught my eye was a small pocket knife with a built in shaving cream dispencer however i being a severed head had no hands to grasp such a device thus rendering it obsolete for me the next item he showed me was a waffle iron that also functioned as a time space displacement device and a fishing rod i decided to purchase the waffle iron in the hopes that it would bring me back to my universe sadly it did not after using the waffle iron i found myself floating in space over the years i came to realize the problem was that when you time travel you stay in the same place however since everything in the universe is constantly moving you dont wind up where you want to eventually my frozen severed head crash landed on a alien planet my head was destroyed on impact and that was the end of me
or so you would think I got up and dusted myself off and made my way to the bus stop it was 9:35 and bus schedual said the next bus didn't come until 9:42 so i sat down next to a homeless man to wait I glanced at him and began to wonder how he came to be in such a predicament so we got to talking "Do you got any change?" he said but I had only enough for the bus he said it was ok and began drinking a bottle of what I think was rum out of a paper bag I had always wondered why homeless people were homeless so I decided to ask him what lead him to this place in his life and he told me that he needed to go to the Laundromat then he screamed DEMON BABYS and poured gasoline on himself then he lit a match and his body was consumed by the flames now im not a doctor but that seemed pretty od to me and I began to think that maybe just maybe I could roast marshmallows on him sadly however I had no marshmallows and my bus just pulled up so I made my way onto the bus which smelt of urine and sat down on the only seat that didn't have gum on it and looked out the window and that's when I heard a familiar voice behind me I turned to look and as it turned out it was a old friend of mine by the name of Lance McCallister I hadn't seen him since high school so I made my way over to where he was sitting however just as I got up the bus made an abrupt stop and I went flying right into lance now I was fine but lance was doing the crossword puzzle at the time and when I crashed into him his pen impaled his jugular and he died without ever knowing the answer to 4 across (it was chickenwings by the way) distraught over the loss of one of my friends I pulled the little string thing on the bus that tells the bus driver to stop and waited for the next stop when we arrived I walked out into the cold and thought my day just couldn't get any worse and that's when it started raining I was still several blocks from my house and I had no umbrella so I decided to make a run for it I got about half way down the street before I had a massive foot cramp I collapsed infront of a hot dog stand the kind elderly man that worked there nursed me back to health on a steady diet of relish and diced onions after about 3 weeks i felt my strength return and i made my way back to my apartment but to my dismay It turned out I forgot my keys back at the office so I made my way back to the bus stop I arrived just as the bus pulled up and just as I stepped on to the bus the door closed crushing my tibia "WHY GOD WHY!" I screamed in anguish as the bus pulled away dragging me with it apparently the bus driver didn't notice my bloody leg lodged between the door or my screams however my pain was short lived as my body smacked into a parked car dislodging me from the bus doors and knocking me unconscious I awoke several hours later in the hospital apparently someone had noticed my bloody legless body laying in the street the doctor said that he might be able to reattach the leg if it turned up in the bus company's lost and found sadly it did not I can only speculate what happened to my leg sometimes I think maybe it found someone that appreciates what a great leg it is and I hope that sometimes it thinks of all the great times we had together and maybe one day it'll give me a call and it'll come back to me as the years went by I learned to live without my leg and things were ok the doctors fashioned me a new artificial leg made from space aged materials and I found work as a cashier at a local thrift store it was there I met a girl by the name of Sara Rutherford and I didn't know it at the time but she would become the love of my life one day after work I asked sara if she would like to come to a pot luck dinner with me and she agreed things were going well but I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach something I just couldn't shake off I decided not to let it ruin the date and got up to fetch sara a plate of lasagna just as I got back to our table a massive explosion rocked the buildings foundation the building collapsed around us killing 13 people I was fine but the lasagna wasn't it wound up all over saras brand new dress infuriated sara got up and slapped me in the face and walked out and I was left there wondering who could have done such a thing it was then I noticed the stench of old socks and athletes foot I turned around to see my leg standing there with a rocket launcher and 7 ninjas and I knew then it was time for the final battle my old ninja master told me I would never truly be a ninja until I faced myself "MASTER ROSHI! I WILL NOT FAIL YOU!" I screamed it was at that point I realized my shoe was untied and as I bent to tie it I was decapitated by one of my legs ninja henchmen it was then I remembered that I didn't leave my keys at the office I had left them in my other pants which I had dropped off at the dry cleaners so I made my way over there when I arrived I realized I had forgotten my dry cleaning stub but it was ok as my keys had fallen out when he was cleaning my pants and he put them in the lost and found I thanked him and made my way back to my apartment when I got there I felt a bit peckish and decided to make a sandwich but when I opened my fridge door the most horrible thing you could possibly imagine happened I was out of bread I broke into tears immediately and cried in the fetal position for the next 6 hours until I realized I had a can of ravioli in my cupboard I sprang to my drawer to get my can opener and that's when my pet cat Mr.Buttons attacked me "NO MR.BUTTONS!" I screamed as he gouged one of my eyes out with a fork somehow I managed to wrestle away the fork and threw Mr.Buttons into the microwave I set it on high for 5 minutes and that's how I came up with my recipe for cat lasagna